Pay to see this dire, video-caliber vehicle for country singer Toby Keith and you'll feel like you've gotten one of those Larry Mahan colonoscopies that Toby prescribed for the Taliban. The problem isn't Keith—a wooden but likable hunk who'd fit seamlessly into a John Carpenter he-man ensemble—but rather the decision to turn his 2002 pro-vigilante anthem into a clunky hybrid of Mayberry small-town-cop comedy, crime drama, and action-hero theatrics. Keith and doughy country comic Rodney Carrington (who co-wrote the script) play dawdling deputies who manage to bust a Mexican meth lord's brother; when the kingpin retaliates by swiping Keith's beloved (Claire Forlani), the pair kidnap the brother from the local hoosegow and mount an invasion of Mexico fortified by bow-hunter Ted Nugent (cast against type as a mute) and a pooch who fights crime with his premonitory farts. Directed by CMT video whiz Michael Salomon with no feel for feature pacing, danger, or comic nuance, Beer for My Horses starts out as amiable horseplay, ends with a body count, and dings its Ford-truck chassis on every cliché in between. You'd never guess, but when Willie Nelson pulls up for a cameo, smoke pours out of his vehicle. — Jim Ridley